life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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