Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
