to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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