I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
