She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
So many bounce houses so little time
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
