I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
