Tell her she can't have a vagina
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
