I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
