I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
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