Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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