I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
