she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
