If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I can text with my tongue
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
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