Pants 0. Shit 1.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
