I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
