and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
