I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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