I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
