Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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