why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
