i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
