1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
