Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
