I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
