Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
