I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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