So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
