You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
