I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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