No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
