my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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