The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
