i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
