Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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