mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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