tell your sister to shave her snatch
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
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