Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Ketchup is God's man juice
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
