He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
