i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
