But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
