I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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