Four minutes until I can fart!
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
