literally had 100 drinks last night.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Randomize
