I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
