well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
