he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
