I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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