some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
