i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
