ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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