A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I love you.
Bad choice
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