her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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