Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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