Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I'm at about main and main street
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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